Wednesday Woes

 

Today feels all Upside Down.

My glasses are foggy and my phone doesn't seem to work.  I know that the solutions are simple enough.  But I don't want to deal with them now.  I would like someone else to solve them for me.  I am the person, who solves problems and finds solutions for others, and now, I do not want to solve my own problems.  I really would like someone else to do what I normally do for others.

Its sunny bright and beautiful in Covid-Free Auckland today.  But I don't feel bright, nor sunny nor beautiful.

The bottom line is that regardless of studying the Gita and knowing theoretically that, everything is transient and it will pass and nothing that is happening NOW really matters, if we do not react to it, I still have not learned how to NOT feel.

I feel, therefore I am.

When I was at the salon getting my hair coloured, the stylist casually asked me, how I was.  I said that I was tired as I was moving house.  And just as casually, she said that Moving House and breaking up were the two most stressful things in life.  Little did she know then, that I was moving house because I had broken up. 

That

was eons ago.  But I remember the feeling of emptiness, loss and anchor-less-ness as if it was a moment ago.  I guess the feeling never really goes away.  It just comes and goes and the frequency decreases slowly with time.  Time does not heal  - time just helps in bringing other stuff into our lives so that the gaps between remembering and not remembering becomes wider.

Learned from Vipassana, that by observing our body sensations, we can overcome these feelings of stagnant dullness like I am feeling now.  Practising Vipassana convinced me that "This too shall pass".  I need to simply observe it and not act or re-act to it.

But there are times, I want to hold on to a feeling and entrap it into a bottle, to inhale, at times like this.

And right now, I need a strong whiff from a bottle that will bring me daffodils dancing in the breeze.